


six feet under

by scripturientt



Category: C9 BOYZ (Band), CIX (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Alternate Universe, Break Up, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:05:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scripturientt/pseuds/scripturientt
Summary: where hyunsuk writes letters for byounggon every day even if their love has been long buried under the ground...





	six feet under

**Author's Note:**

> six feet under - billie eilish
> 
> it was inspired from that song but it unexpectedly took a turn so...
> 
> [ lowercase ]

_our love is six feet under, i can't help but wonder_  
_if our grave was watered by the rain_

* * *

 

_letter #1_

 

hyung,

i still can't believe you... how could you leave me just like that?

did our promises really mean nothing?

it's been 23 hours and 49 minutes... almost exactly one day yet i couldn't stop crying.

if these tears represent how much i love you, then i don't think they'd ever stop. because even if a lot of time pass by, my love for you will still stay the same.

i wish i could still come up to you and ask you why you left.

i don't even know why i'm writing this letter when i know you won't be able to read it... maybe because i want to express myself in a way that i could think that i'm talking to you, but i'm sure that it's for closure.

i hope you find happiness and peace.

love,  
suk

* * *

 

_letter #10_

 

it's me again.

i still can't fathom why i keep on doing this. i've been doing it since the first day and now more than a week had passed and it unfortunately got added to my daily routine.

if these ever reach you i bet you'll get weirded out as to why i am still hanging on to something... writing a letter like you'd be able to read it. writing it and pouring everything i am feeling like it's gonna make you come back.

but still, hyung, you might have given up on our love but i haven't. and i don't think i ever will.

it's my everything.

whether you're here or not, (as fucking sad as it is) i'm still gonna hold on to it no matter what.

i can't love anyone else. how could i when i couldn't get any closure no matter how much i write?

i try to embed the fact that you left me into my head but no matter how much i do it, i could never be angry. i only felt more hurt, like my heart is being shattered for the thousandth time and sooner or later there would be nothing left of it to shatter, so how could i even love anyone else?

it's always you.

i think a part of me resents that. how i pathetically cling to the last bit of our memories, and then rewind it all way to the start where i felt like i was in cloud nine.

i'm going to treasure those memories so much, especially since we won't be able to make new ones anymore.

i don't know what else to say...

well, i love you.

that's all.

* * *

 

_letter #31_

 

a month.

a whole goddamn month yet i still remember it like it was yesterday.

the question "why?" is still echoing in my mind and i haven't made even one small move to forget about it. neither did i seek out answers, because i am a coward.

maybe that's all i am. a coward. i keep running away from the truth. from everything.

honestly i should be experiencing some sort of self-loathing for being like this, but no i'm not.

even if i am indeed a coward, you still loved me.

you always help me when i'm running, telling me to confront everything somewhat, staying by my side all through out.

i know i should've grown out of my habit of running away because damn, you've been helping me with it but...

how could i be rid of that habit when instead of  growing brave enough, i only became dependant on you?

and how could i confront this problem when it's _you_?

maybe i should really just put it to rest, think about something for a while and just pretend to be okay. pretend that i don't love you anymore so that i wouldn't still hurt like this.

but well.... i couldn't. not that i tried but i just know i can't....

i'd rather replay all of our memories and get hurt all over again than pretend that i don't love you. that i already let go of us.

i don't know what to do, hyung...

why did you do this

* * *

 

_letter_ _#95_

 

it's really cold.

i did nothing but stay at home today... well, i couldn't really do anything productive since it's a weekend where it just started snowing.

i just literally laid in bed almost all day and listened to music.

junkyu and seunghun called me, asking how i was and well, i told him i was the same as always... and they were like, more like moping over gon hyung?

i was a bit indignant over that comment but it's not like it's a lie though.

all of them are telling me to go outside and stop moping, and... uhm, how could i do that with the current weather we're having??

...

but seriously, i know they're right.

and i also know that it's not like i CAN'T move on from you. it's just that i DON'T WANT TO.

i know it should be wrong, (i guess it is)... but i don't know what to do.

i am in the process of picking everything up and trying to get my life together, but i want to do that without forgetting you... and i want to remember you without feeling this pain in my chest every time.

i know you'd support me if you knew about it and that's all i need.

* * *

 

_letter #120_

 

raesung and noa were fighting like cats and dogs again earlier...

it's funny how they act like that but shift 180° and be all sappy in the next moment. they say it's weird that it's been months but they're still not used to seeing me without you... (since basically it became me thirdwheeling them instead of having a double date)

doyoung and yedam miss you so much as well. i think you're their favorite hyung, even if they won't say it since they're in front of me usually.

and... i miss you. there's never a day that i don't miss you.

i don't think i have anything else to say for today, since i feel the same.

i still love you, hyung.

* * *

 

_letter #250_

 

i'm lost.

well, not literally. more like, i'm lost on the road of life...

(damn raesung for getting me into anime and making me use anime references too.)

on a serious note though, i've been lost lately. i don't know what i should do, hyung.

basically i'm doubting all of my life plans and since my family and the other guys aren't pressuring me into anything, i have no idea on what i should be doing.

it makes me wistful... i know we would've been planning together if we still were. (together, i mean)

well, that's all. i have to plan my life choices again now...

sigh.

love you.

* * *

 

_letter #350_

 

it's funny that writing to you is also a routine for me.

i don't know what to tell you today, honestly.

oh well...

i guess i saw your mom today. i almost avoided her since i just know it would be awkward.

but surprise, it wasn't!!!

i was shocked that she suddenly hugged me when she recognized me.

she said that she misses me and the rest of your family would like to see me since well, i got pretty close to them, remember?

so yeah she ended up inviting me 15 days from now...

i can't say i'm excited because i'm such an awkward person in front of them but a part of me is glad that they're still talking to me... that even if we ended, your family is still so kind and welcoming, despite everything that has happened.

i just hope it won't end as a disaster though....

and... see you in 15 days, hyung.

* * *

 

_letter #360_

 

five more days...

it's five more days until the first anniversary... and your family invited me. i still couldn't get over that.

i still love you.

i know i haven't said that in a while but yes, i still feel for you.

it's not the same love that hurt me so much. it's not the love that held me back from being myself again after you were gone.

it's the love that grew while we were together and made me feel complete... the love that i felt when you were there and when we're apart.

though i guess it's quite different since now we're permanently apart but the most important thing for me is i still love you. and that i'm able to love you even if you left, even if you're not here.

and that will stay the same since i'm choi hyunsuk, the person who loves you no matter what.

* * *

 

_letter #365_

 

so... it's officially been a year, hyung.

your family invited me and i brought seunghun, junkyu and jihoon too. they said it was alright if i brought some of our friends and so i did.

i brought your favorite flowers... well, i guess everyone did.

it's a pretty sight to see the same flower and its color surround your grave.

that symbolizes that you're so well-loved. that so many people love you and remembers you.

while a part of me wishes that we never broke up, i am quite content because if that's what you want, who am i to deny you of that... especially because of your fate.

there was a time that i felt guilty. it ate me up until everyone snapped me out of it...

i used to think that if i stopped you from leaving, you wouldn't have gotten into that accident. i could've done something but i didn't.

it took me a while but i finally stopped blaming myself because yes, as they all said, i couldn't have known. it didn't mean that it hurt less though.

a part of me still want to know why you broke up with me so suddenly, but right now i don't dwell on it anymore. i'm only praying that you found peace.

i wish you could talk to me sometimes, even in my dreams... maybe you don't love me like that anymore but i still want to talk to you because i miss you so much and you're a very big part of my life.

still though... i love you.

you know, i think that when you died, you took me with you. i felt like i was dead inside for months after it happened.

but what's funny is that once i got myself back together and established a new self, i still love you.

it wasn't moving on. it was moving forward. i got a pretty stable life now and i have a new me but this new me still loves you.

i'm content with the knowledge that you once loved me so much as well and i was your most precious person at some point...

and maybe, just maybe, one day i'll fall in love with someone else, but that doesn't mean that it erases the fact that i love you so much until now. you'll always have a place in my heart.

i know it's what you would've wanted. for me to not dwell on you and be happy, but right now my happiness is you and our memories. like i said, maybe one day i would find someone, but a place in my heart would always be for you and right now, it's still you.

i hope you have your peace now, hyung.

with all my love,

choi hyunsuk.

**Author's Note:**

> ... lmao bye. i rushed it so idk if it was as impactful as i intended but what's done is done


End file.
